Many of my clients who start divorce proceedings are unsure of the impact this will have on their relationship with their children. The following condensed excerpt from my book, "Fathers' Rights, " examines how to strengthen the father-child bond before, during, and after the marriage is dissolved. When his relationship with his children's mother ends, there are only two ways for a father to (legally) ensure that he will remain an active, involved parent: a negotiated custody settlement or successful litigation. In either situation, a divorcing father must be prepared to demonstrate the competence, character, and commitment mandated by the law's standard of parental fitness.

Despite the emotional chaos and legal wrangling that surrounds him, a divorcing father must find the time and energy to maintain or strengthen his relationship with his children. There are at least two reasons why the quality and depth of this bond is important. First, evidence that a strong link exists between a father and his children carries significant weight in family court proceedings and settlement discussions. Second, once divorced, a father is without a child-care "partner." He may need to provide evidence that he has acquired (or always had) the necessary skills to effectively perform duties that, before the split, were the mother's exclusive domain.

For many divorcing fathers, the advice to become more active in child rearing is unnecessary. These dads have been significantly involved in every aspect of their children's growth and development. Unfortunately, economic forces, misplaced priorities, or the vestiges of obsolete cultural expectations have kept other soon-to-be divorced fathers from developing or demonstrating parental competence.

Determining parental fitness is obviously a subjective undertaking. A thousand family court judges and a thousand social service professionals use dozens of often dissimilar criteria to measure a parent's capabilities. The following summary, compiled from experience and research, lists parental attributes, behaviors, and attitudes known to have influenced family court evaluations of parental competence.

To be recognized as a good parent, a father is expected to:

-Exhibit genuine love and concern for his children.
-Take an active interest in the children's physical, social, emotional, and academic development.
-Arrange regular visits to doctors and dentists.
-Attend the children's athletic events, music and dance recitals, school plays, debates, science fairs, and so on.
-Meet with the children's teachers regularly.
-Impose and enforce (but not with corporal punishment) reasonable rules of behavior.
-Shop for the children's food and clothing.
-Encourage involvement in school and after school activities and participate in those activities with the children.
-Foster church or synagogue attendance and moral development.
-Ensure that children are bathed and properly dressed.
-Be trustworthy, reliable, and of good character.
-Help with homework and school projects.
-Spend time with the children.
-Assist children in solving problems.
- Be emotionally stable.
- Encourage and support children's creative tendencies.

Regardless of overall parenting capabilities, a father will generally be judged unfit if he:

- Abuses drugs, alcohol, women, or children.
- Gambles compulsively.
- Exhibits violent tendencies.
- Exhibits symptoms of mental illness.
- Neglects the safety, nutrition, or educational needs of is children.
- Interferes with the children's relationship with their mother.

The strategy for divorcing dads seems obvious. If you have been hovering at the edges of your children's lives, it's time to get down on the floor or out in the park with them. Meet their friends and their friends' parents. Take the kids biking, to the zoo, to ball games, to plays. Read to them, play Monopoly and Scrabble, fly a kite or go sledding. Reinforce a sense of belonging together. To the extent possible, share your hobbies with the kids and become involved in activities that interest them. Adjust your schedule to spend more time with your children. Talk, and listen to them.

Remember, however, that you are the children's father, not their buddy. Don't allow emotional fallout from your impending divorce to affect your parental status. You must retain your position as disciplinarian, provider, protector, and mentor. Many divorcing fathers will find that the transition from married dad to single dad can be accomplished with a minor increase in effort and commitment. For others, it takes a major realignment of priorities and lifestyle. In either case, when compared with the value of fatherhood to children, to fathers, and to society, the price is small.

Jeffery Leving's column appears regularly. Mr. Leving is one of this country's leading family law attorneys. Send your questions and/or comments on this and other columns to Mr. Leving at mail@dadsrights.com or write to the North Lawndale Community News.